How to be Champion
By Sarah Millican
Hilarious, heartwarming and inspirational, this is the number 1 Sunday Times bestselling autobiography by comedian Sarah Millican. The funniest book of the year! *****'The naughtiest, helpiest, laughieoutloudiest and goodest book I've ever done reading on. Give that girl a banana!' DAWN FRENCH SARAH MILLICAN'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH, FEEL NORMAL AND PROBABLY SNIFF YOUR LEGGINGS. Part autobiography, part self help, part confession, part celebration of being a common-or-garden woman, part collection of synonyms for nunny, Sarah Millican's debut book delves into her super normal life with daft stories, funny tales and proper advice on how to get past life's blips - like being good at school but not good at friends, the excitement of IBS and how to blossom post divorce. If you've ever worn glasses at the age of six, worn an off-the-shoulder gown with no confidence, been contacted by an old school bully, lived in your childhood bedroom in your thirties, been gloriously dumped in a Frankie and Benny's, cried so much you felt great, been for a romantic walk with a dog, worn leggings two days in a row even though they smelt of wee from a distance, then this is YOUR BOOK. If you haven't done those things but wish you had, THIS IS YOUR BOOK. If you just want to laugh on a train/sofa/toilet or under your desk at work, THIS IS YOUR BOOK. 'Of course Sarah Millican's book will make you laugh out loud, but there are moments where she will touch you deeply. The dirty bitch.' KATHY BURKE
The House of Shattered Wings
By Aliette de Bodard
Paris in the aftermath of the Great Magicians War. Its streets are lined with haunted ruins, Notre-Dame is a burnt-out shell, and the Seine runs black, thick with ashes and rubble. Yet life continues among the wreckage. The citizens retain their irrepressible appetite for novelty and distraction, and The Great Houses still vie for dominion over France's once grand capital.House Silverspires, previously the leader of those power games, now lies in disarray. Itsmagic is ailing; its founder, Morningstar, has been missing for decades; and now somethingfrom the shadows stalks its people inside their very own walls.Within the House, three very different people must come together: a naive but powerful Fallen, an alchemist with a self-destructive addiction, and a resentful young man wielding spells from the Far East. They may be Silverspires' salvation; or the architects of its last, irreversible fall . . .
How To Raise A Jewish Dog
By Ellis Weiner, Barbara Davilman
You don't have to own a dog and you don't have to be Jewish... A humour title about using guilt, shame and passive aggression to raise your dog that will have you barking with laughter.A 'Not Missing Yet' sign informs neighbours that dog is not missing. Some trainers call this precaution unnecessary. We say: It couldn't hurt.Finally! The dog training techniques and tips developed by the renowned Rabbis of the Boca Raton Theological Seminary are available in book form. Look out, monks. Step aside, whisperer. Rabbi Monica and Rabbi Alan show, step by step, how you can use guilt, shame, passive aggression, sarcasm and Conditional Unconditional Love to create an unbreakable bond with your dog. It's all here, including:- The five ways of commanding 'Sit!' ('What, would it kill you to sit down for one lousy second?')- A useful list of Advanced Commands ('Don't stare at Cousin Edith's hair when she comes over.')- How to use Situational Martyrdom when the dog disobeys ('Fine. Do what you want. I hope you have a nice life.')The rabbis have been training dogs - and their owners - for 20 years. Now they bring the fruits of their vast experience to dog owners everywhere. And the best part? You don't have to be Jewish to benefit from the programme. Just neurotic. Or crazy about your dog.
The Heart of Fire
By Michael J. Ward
Return to the world of Valeron in another astounding adventure. Deeper and more complex than THE LEGION OF SHADOW, the options available to your hero are exciting, carefully planned and beautifully written. The Heart of Fire is awakening, and only you can save the world ...You are a prophet, both gifted and cursed by your strange powers. Imprisoned in the infamous dungeon of the inquisition, you are tormented by visions of a nightmarish future. No-one has ever escaped. Doomed to live out your days in chains and darkness, a twist of fate provides you with a chance for freedom - to take on a new identity and start a new life. But no matter where you go, where you hide, you can never escape the haunting images of your own prophecy ...Is it possible to outwit destiny and change the future? You decide in this epic fantasy adventure - the highly anticipated follow-up to the bestselling gamebook THE LEGION OF SHADOW. Every decision you make will have an impact on the story - and, ultimately, your fate.
The Honest Toddler
By The Honest Toddler
A laugh-out-loud funny parenting guide from the Honest Toddler, the Internet's most infamous tot, whose unchecked sense of entitlement and undeniable charm on the Honest Toddler blog and on Twitter @HonestToddler have captivated hundreds of thousands of fans online.Are you a confused parent to a toddler?Are you constantly disappointing the small child in your life?This book can help you become a better servant/parent to the toddler at the heart of your world.You'll learn about everything from meal preparation (hint: just put the crackers on a plate), play date etiquette (don't touch. Just don't.), to how time-outs make you look like a fool. The Honest Toddler says a firm 'NO' to popular, fashionable parenting trends and instead embraces the big questions: Who Does Mommy Belong To? How Can You Prevent Siblings? And Sleep and Weaning Yourself Off it.
By Joe Abercrombie
They say Black Dow's killed more men than winter, and clawed his way to the throne of the North up a hill of skulls. The King of the Union, ever a jealous neighbour, is not about to stand smiling by while he claws his way any higher. The orders have been given and the armies are toiling through the northern mud. Thousands of men are converging on a forgotten ring of stones, on a worthless hill, in an unimportant valley, and they've brought a lot of sharpened metal with them. Bremer dan Gorst, disgraced master swordsman, has sworn to reclaim his stolen honour on the battlefield. Obsessed with redemption and addicted to violence, he's far past caring how much blood gets spilled in the attempt. Even if it's his own.Prince Calder isn't interested in honour, and still less in getting himself killed. All he wants is power, and he'll tell any lie, use any trick, and betray any friend to get it. Just as long as he doesn't have to fight for it himself.Curnden Craw, the last honest man in the North, has gained nothing from a life of warfare but swollen knees and frayed nerves. He hardly even cares who wins any more, he just wants to do the right thing. But can he even tell what that is with the world burning down around him?Over three bloody days of battle, the fate of the North will be decided. But with both sides riddled by intrigues, follies, feuds and petty jealousies, it is unlikely to be the noblest hearts, or even the strongest arms that prevail.Three men. One battle. No Heroes.
How To Be A Little Sod
By Simon Brett
New parents read on... Have you ever wondered, as you look down lovingly at your sleeping baby, what's really going on in that tiny mind? At last a baby tells all... How to be a Little Sod is a baby's eye view of the world - a week-by-week diary of that first traumatic year of life, which makes it quite clear who's suffering the traumas. This bestselling book is absolutely guaranteed to be of no practical use to new parents - but it has helped thousands to get through those disruptive early months. A word of warning, though - don't leave it around where babies can reach it! Illustrated by Tony Ross
Hammer And Tickle
By Ben Lewis
The book that immerses the Cold War in the warm bath of nostalgia.Q: Why, despite all the shortages, was the toilet paper in East Germany always 2-ply?A: Because they had to send a copy of everything they did to Moscow.Communist jokes are the strangest, funniest, most enchanting and meaningful legacy of the 80 years of political experimentation in Russia and Eastern Europe, known as Communism. The valiant and sardonic citizens of the former Communist countries - surrounded by an invisible network of secret police, threatened with arrest, imprisonment and forced labour, confronted by an economic system that left shops empty, and bombarded with ludicrous state propaganda - turned joke-telling into an art form. They used jokes as a coded way of speaking the truth.HAMMER AND TICKLE takes us on a unique journey through the Communist era (1917-1989), and tells its real history through subversive jokes and joke-tellers, many of whom ended up in the gulags. It is also illustrated with a combination of rare and previously unpublished archive material, political cartoons, caricatures, photographs and state-sponsored propaganda. Humorous, culturally poignant and historically revealing, this is the story of a political system that was (almost) laughed out of existence.