The Secret Diary of a Grumpy Old Woman
By Judith Holder, Judith Holder
It feels like only yesterday I was the youngest person in the room, I had my whole life in front of me. I had time to burn, I spent my whole day snogging boys and backcombing my hair. I was a young thing, with a lovely body, life was fun, and I hadn't a care in the world. Now - it feels like two minutes later - I'm a little bit old. OK, I'm not in elasticated stockings or on Meals on Wheels whizzing down the stairs on my stairlift, but my life is more than half over. I've been there, done that, got the packamac. I'm so old that I remember dances with drum solos, the arrival of unisex hairdressers and had a crush on Ilya Kuryakin. I am up at the top of the hill, and over the other side again. What all this means, is that I am grumpy. But I've earnt it... I lived through Boney M and leg warmers and the Crossroads Motel.Obviously in a book this size I wouldn't be able to share with you ALL of my grumps. But I've decided to write down some of the secret thoughts that beset a woman of a certain age, some of the wicked things that occur to a woman who takes a lot of things to the dry cleaners, has to have her roots done every four weeks and finds it hard to wear high heels. And guess what: they still fancy people, still have silly little crushes on people at work, still - shock horror - have sex. You will discover that women of a certain age are just as provocative and turned on as women in their twenties. Probably more so. So get over it. Middle-aged women are sexy, funny and infinitely lovable. They are also taking over the world.'Read by Judith Holder(p) 2008 Orion Publishing Group
By Tony Davis
What kind of person risks their life for their sport? And more to the point, why?Intrepid author Tony Davis takes a leap into the unknown to find out in Splat! The Madness and Magnificence of the World's Most Dangerous Sports. Talking to top exponents of the most edgy sports on the planet Davis uncovers why anyone would:* BASE jump off a perilous mountain peak* dive 200 metres beneath the ocean without scuba gear* slide down the world's biggest ski jump* soar six kilometres above the earth on a hang glider* drive a jet powered car through the sound barrier or* be flung through the air by a trebuchet.Full of astounding facts, amazing incidents and real-life drama, Splat! reveals what it's like to be gored by a bull, dumped by a wave the size of a block of flats, have your lights punched out in a boxing ring, slide over asphalt at 200 kilometres per hour after smashing a Grand Prix motorcycle, or have your brain turn to oxygen-deprived mush in the 'death zone' at Mt Everest.Davis veers from admiration and enthusiasm to utter bewilderment and back as he explores what's great about each sport and what's not, some of the nastier injuries on offer, the maddest moments, and much more.
By Sam Jordison
A hilarious slacker's guide as to why you should never do all those things that you're supposed to do before you die.Have you regretted running a marathon? Have you been persuaded to read a terrible book? Have you eaten something you shouldn't have on someone else's bad advice? Did you have an awful time at Glastonbury? Has your dream holiday turned into a nightmare? Can't be arsed to read Ulysses?For anyone who is fed up of being told what to do with their time, or made to feel inferior because they don't want to fly half way round the planet on the off chance that a dolphin might swim somewhere their vicinity, this is the perfect book. A slacker's bible, SOD THAT! is the ultimate anti-list book.This is a very hilarious rallying call for common sense and dignified indolence rather than wasteful over-activity. SOD THAT! comes up with the top 103 things not to do. You know it makes sense.
By Adam Roberts
THE SELLAMILLION is NOT a parody of Tolkien's THE SILMARILLION. That would be pointless because although all Tolkien fans have a copy, only three of them have read past page 40.It is, however, a parody of all that Tolkien created as he worked on LORD OF THE RINGS. The history of the elderly days. Early missing drafts of LORD OF THE RINGS. A correspondence between the author and publisher on whether it should be a Bellybutton Stud of Doom rather than a Ring of Power. An experimental version of LOTR as if written by Dr Seuss.That sort of thing. It'll be funny. Possibly hilarious. The author's told us it will be. Promised even. And he did write THE SODDIT. And that was quite funny.
By Adam Roberts
A long time ago in galaxy far, far away a really quite good SF film, a sort of western in space, was launched. The special effects were pretty shoddy but it did have some quite good actors in it. And Mark Hammill. A second and third film that were actually the fifth and sixth films followed and they weren't quite so good but they were still quite fun (especially when the teddies got blasted by the Imperial stormtroopers). Then, the first, second and third films followed and they were actually fairly dreadful though by now the special effects were much better. And the actors were still better than average too. And Mark Hammill was too old to be in it plus his character hadn't been born yet so that was OK.A Gollancz parody was inevitable. And here it is. An epic told in six chapters. An epic of good versus evil. Of dark versus light. Of hairy co-pilots and green gurus. Of bizarre hair styles, steel bras and camp robots. An epic that starts in the middle. And that's the original!
The Search for the Perfect Pub
By Paul Moody, Robin Turner
Inspired by George Orwell, Paul Moody and Robin Turner take a nostalgic road trip around Britain in search of the perfect pub. 'A deeply satisfying travelogue' Stuart MaconieIn 1946, George Orwell, a man fond of a pint, wrote about his favourite pub, The Moon Under Water, in his EVENING STANDARD column. But it didn't actually exist. It was Orwell's vision of a perfect pub. Today, Wetherspoons have fourteen Moon Under Waters, and the nation is awash with identikit, high-street lounge bars competing for a dwindling clientele.Paul Moody and Robin Turner's road trip around Britain, therefore, is not just a search for the perfect pub. It is a deeper investigation into what has happened to British pub culture, once the toast of the world. In fact, it is a search for a kind of life-force kindled by the British public, something the powers-that-be are forever trying to extinguish.Along the way, such luminaries as Pete Brown ('the King of Beer'), Tim Martin (Wetherspoon's boss), Iain Sinclair, James Dean Bradfield and Paul Kingsnorth are consulted - along with a host of micro-brewers, landlords, politicians, bloggers and barroom philosophers. What emerges is a picture of the country as seen through a pint glass, a vision that goes to the heart of what it means to be British.
Something for the Weekend
By Terry Wogan
A collection of Terry Wogan's best TELEGRAPH columns, with his trademark wry take on life.'It's my feeling that whatever's bothering you, you ought to be able to say it in less than 500 words. The rest is window-dressing ... Probably explains why I didn't write War and Peace ...'Sir Terry Wogan has been busy over the past 10 years writing his ever-popular SUNDAY TELEGRAPH column.In this first collection of the very best of his weekly musings, Terry delivers his distinctively dry and amusing views on life. From the disappointment of the declining years, the ubiquity of TV cooks ('Nowadays, you can't throw a stone in a country road without hitting a television chef, in full colour'), to vanity and those little daily annoyances that drive you to drink - and never fails to entertain - Terry's modern grumbles, gentle social commentary and witty observations make for a delightful assortment of reading.Charming and wry, with not a hint of lickspittle, this is Wogan's World at its most entertaining.
By Tim Minchin
Dazzling illustrated poetry from the magical mind of Tim Minchin. This is his first ever book and features a foreword from Neil Gaiman.A storm is brewing in the confines of a London dinner party. Small talk quickly descends into a verbal and intellectual battle between science and belief, as comedian Tim goes head to head with the mysterious fifth guest at the table - a hippy named Storm.With stunning original artwork, Tim's sublime ranty beat-poem weaves through the world we live in, where alternative medicine is given credence and public funding, psychics have primetime TV exposure and people are happy with mystery rather than answers.While Storm herself may not be converted, audiences from London to Sydney have been won over by Tim's lyrical wonders and the timely message of the piece in a society where science is attacked as the enemy of belief. STORM is the illustrated book born from the acclaimed internet sensation - the animation that has become an anthem for critical thinking worldwide, attracting over three million views. Now fully reimagined, STORM is a masterpiece that sparkles with beauty, wit, reason and rationality.Watch the video here: http://bit.ly/1s2DUuU
By Jem Lester
'Will make you laugh, make you cry, and make you think' Graeme SimsionInspired by the author's experiences with his own son, SHTUM is a novel about three generations of a family learning how to get along.Ten-year-old Jonah lives in a world of his own.He likes colours and feathers and the feel of fresh air on his skin.He dislikes sudden loud noises and any change to his daily routine.Jonah has never spoken, yet somehow he communicates better than all of the adults in his life.'Fiercely funny ... an unforgettable first novel' The Times'A book with true heart and soul' Joanna Cannon, author of The Trouble With Goats and SheepWhat readers are saying about this heartwarming book from Jem Lester:'This book has gone onto my all-time favourite list''This is a book that will stay with me for a very long time.''I cried my heart out.''A gripping and emotional story.''Brilliant humour.'
By The Muffin Brothers
When a young boy goes missing, a small town uncovers a mystery involving secret recipes, supernatural whisking forces and one strange ingredient...In this 80s-tastic cookbook, the Muffin Brothers bring you an out-of-this-world collection of delicious and disturbing edible treats.Whip up a psychokinetic storm with recipes such as Elle's Special Dip, Joyce's Alphabet Soup, Mike's Secret Crush and Barb's Scone Missing. Each crumb is sure to vanish without a trace.
See Ya Later
By Arron Crascall
Alright guys? It's me, Arron. Or as some people call me, 'that guy with the phone, the skinny jeans and the really fat head on Facebook'.In a world that seems to be freefalling without a parachute towards utter chaos, I'm here to remind you that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. No, in fact, when life gives you lemons, make a fool out of yourself in the lemonade aisle.*Because there's more to life than Brexit, Bake Off and banging on about being vegan. Yes, with this book - which is my take on the world - you will learn how to survive a proper lads' holiday, become a master in the art of takeaway ordering and find out about the pitfalls of seriously inappropriate tattoos.So do yourself a favour: turn off the news, cancel that juice cleanse, open your eyes to the brilliant, hilarious world we live in and most importantly . . . buy this book.SEE YA LATER! Arron x*Actually, don't do exactly that, that's my thing.
The Story of Life
By Chris (Simpsons Artist)
this book is a magical journey through life from the beginnings of time to the birth of a child and the adventure that we take on our way to the grave and beyond to the starsit is a celebration of being human and all of the beautiful things that is in between.if you like books that are about:why we are herehow we are madebabies shedding their baby legs and growing their child legsthe innocence of childhoodthe warmth of papas backteen lifebody harethe first kissfalling in lovebeing alonethe gift of a feathertales of witchessaturday nightsmonday morningsthe mystery of old peoples earlobesdeathghostsand the meaning of lifethen this book is for youbecause inside of this book there is all of those things and after reading about 5 pages of it you will be the main expert of human life and there will be nothing in this world that you will not know love from your friend chris (simpsons artist) xox