In this extract from Guilt Free, Jennifer Reid, MD and host of A Mind of Her Own podcast, takes us through one of the most common questions she has been faced in her practice, and introduced this transformative guide with practical strategies for women to regain control over their lives, free from the paralysing grip of guilt.

Jennifer Reid, MD is a board-certified psychiatrist, the creator, host, and author of A Mind of Her Own Podcast and Substack, and an assistant professor at the University of Pennsylvania, where she teaches the next generation of psychiatrists. Drawing on her clinical expertise and a family legacy of physicians and teachers, she is dedicated to empowering individuals to break free from limiting narratives and move forward with authenticity and self-direction. She lives outside Philadelphia with her husband and two sons.

Nora sits across from me in my office, staring out the window, shaking her head and smiling. Though I am curious, I decide not to ask any questions, instead giving her some time to tell me what is on her mind.

Minutes pass. Finally, she turns to me.

“I think the only time I don’t feel guilty is when I’m sleeping.” Here we are. Highly functional, engaging, compassionate women, navigating the complexities of romantic relationships, parenthood, careers, our aging parents, and our own identity. Even as you read this, these incredibly challenging endeavors demand your attention, energy, and time, which you give throughout each hectic day. And yet, in my sessions, I hear the same question over and over again.

Why do I feel so guilty all the time?

My psychiatry practice supports women during each stage of life, from first love and leaving home, to the overwhelming responsibility of parenting and the stress of building a career, all the way through the grief of slowly declining health in our

friends and partners in late life. I’ve seen excessive guilt show up in different ways across all these important stages, univer-sally robbing women of their enthusiasm and joy. Guilt makes us believe that the reason we’re falling short is because we’re not giving it our all or trying hard enough. But the reality is, we’re not falling short. We’re already giving so much. It is our expectations that are to blame, suggesting anything short of perfection is a failure. The myth of the “perfect” woman – thoughtful friend, attentive mother, present partner, capable in every way – is unattainable, but that doesn’t stop many of us from trying to become her, and from feeling guilty when we inevitably fall short. Influenced by our expectations, we think, “If only I do this thing better, I will feel good about myself.”

Yes, if only you remember everyone’s birthday, anniversary, and latest hobby or crafting obsession and be the perfect friend. If only you could avoid sugar all day and then cook healthy, vitamin-rich meals every night. If only you could somehow tri-ple the hours in the day to finish the project your boss dropped onto your desk at the last minute. Yes, you may feel miserable or believe you are lacking now, but the future will be different – if only you just try harder!

As I continue my session with Nora, she describes how over-whelmed she’s felt this past month. First, her mother has been hospitalized with a foot infection and now calls Nora several times a day because she is lonely, but with Nora’s busy schedule,

she isn’t always available to answer. Then her daughter brings home a low score on a math quiz and says, “I think boys really are better with numbers.” Nora now feels guilty not only for her daughter’s challenges but also for not protecting her from ab-sorbing this idea that girls can’t do math. (“Ugh. Where did I go so wrong?”) On top of everything, Nora’s work responsibili-ties have increased significantly after a colleague abruptly left, but she hasn’t received additional support or higher pay. Instead of asking for help, she blames her lack of time-management skills for her overf lowing workload.

I think we can all relate to Nora when she describes feeling like she is falling behind in one area as soon as she turns her attention to something else. Nora, like so many of us, is drown-ing in the expectations that come with being a woman trying to navigate multiple competing roles, viewing each day as a se-ries of tasks for completion rather than a chance to find mean-ing and joy. She blames herself when loved ones seem unhappy, thinking she must be doing something wrong. She feels guilty if she doesn’t exercise or eat right, criticizing herself for her “lack of control.” She is inundated by unreasonable expecta-tions placed on her in her job. Through it all, she accuses her-self of not working hard enough to avoid falling behind. She’s even felt guilty when she’s tried to get help in the past, blaming herself for not feeling better.

So there it is again: guilt.

In several ways, guilt can be a helpful emotion, which you are evolutionarily wired to feel. It helps you create and nurture healthy relationships, allows you to demonstrate your commit-ment to others, and guides you toward repair when you’ve made a mistake. Without guilt, connecting with others would be harder. However, this adaptive type of guilt is not what you will be learning about in this book.

The guilt I’m describing is the opposite of helpful, because it is excessive. It has surpassed its evolutionary utility for connec-tion and instead fuels self-criticism, thoughts of failure and in-adequacy, sadness and overwhelm, even depression and other health problems. It drives your decision-making and generates unhealthy behaviours like perfectionism, people-pleasing, and self-denial, creating a cycle of suffering. You might agree to an activity you absolutely hate, rather than experience the guilt of saying no. You turn down concert tickets to see your favourite band because you feel guilty asking your neighbour to swing by and let your dog out while you’re away. You suffer through a miserable day at work with a terrible cold because you don’t want to let your coworkers down. Guilt repeatedly asks us, “What makes you think you’re worthwhile when you’re not achieving or producing? Why would others want to spend time with you if you aren’t perfect? Why can’t you do anything right?”

But that’s the lie we’re all telling ourselves.

Many of us view this critical voice as a necessary evil, pushing us toward becoming a better person – because guilt is a pretty effective motivator. By threatening yourself with criticism and disappointment, you might make it to the gym or schedule that dental appointment. Guilt also offers an enticing illusion of control. You may believe you’ve messed up, but if you just work harder, you can fix it, right?

But guilt also blocks your access to joy and pleasure. You “indulge” in something truly pleasurable, such as an ice cream cone on a warm day or a relaxing massage after a busy week. Instead of savouring it, you feel guilty for your lack of self-control or selfish desire to take time for yourself, ruining this brief interlude of joy. Guilt, then, becomes the payment for any moment of satisfaction you dare to experience for yourself.

When you start exploring the reasons for this excessive guilt, for these moments when you judge your attempts to rest and take pleasure, berate yourself for your imperfections, or seem to accumulate never-ending tasks and responsibilities, you can quickly hit a brick wall, thinking, “I just don’t understand why I’m always feeling this way.”

I know what it feels like to live with excessive guilt and I’m guessing you do, too. For a long time, I struggled with this constant feeling. Despite my education and training, it still seemed like guilt was in control. I’d be going about my day,

trying to care for my patients, my family, maybe even myself, and bam! There it was again, telling me I was lazy and undisci-plined: guilt. Guilt urged me to do more and judge myself for periods of rest, reflection, and even sadness. It reared its ugly head every time I experienced frustration or impatience with my kids, because I worried that meant I wasn’t appreciating our time together enough, even when my frustration was totally warranted. (“I should enjoy taking them grocery shopping, even when they run over my heel with the cart.”)

When your guilt tells you to quiet your wishes because your needs are less important than others’ or suggests you matter only if you are optimally productive, attractive, or taking care of others, these are all lies. Guilt is responsible for this brutal voice in your head telling you you’re never enough. This is why, friends, I am done with all this guilt, and I hope you are, too. If you find yourself thinking, “There has to be a better way,” you’re absolutely right.

If you, like Nora and like so many of us, live with guilt as your everyday experience, I know I can help you find relief, for the following reasons:

Guilt Free is a guide to understanding and letting go of your guilt, so you can start living according to what you want and need instead of what you think you should be doing. We’ll start by examining the mechanisms of guilt, exploring how some guilt is good and even necessary; the origins of our most debil-itating expectations; and key reasons guilt can be so difficult to relinquish. Then, we’ll dive into the how. The process of low-ering our guilt begins with noticing the expectations that are subconsciously driving us; by identifying our guilt triggers. We’ll explore how to lower the noise of our loudest guilty thoughts

and learn techniques to shift to a better way of making impor-tant decisions with agency rather than guilt or criticism. Along the way, I’ll share brief stories representing the thousands of women I’ve helped in my practice over the years, giving you a glimpse into the lives of women who are also struggling with guilt.

Change is possible when you learn how to understand your-self and can then make informed choices about your life. By the end of the book, my hope is that these choices will be guided by many things – joy, desire, grief, a craving for mint chocolate chip ice cream, even anger – but they will no longer be controlled by guilt. It doesn’t mean you will never feel guilty or any number of other difficult emotions. You will just be empowered to choose the path that you want to follow, rather than the one you believe you should.

Let’s learn to identify and neutralize guilty thoughts, treat ourselves with kindness, approach setbacks as learning experi-ences rather than failures, and recognize our many contribu-tions.

Welcome, friends, to a life with less guilt!

You can get a copy of the book here and follow Dr Jennifer on her platforms here.